I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think my fart just growled at me.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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