Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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