before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
