Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
