The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
