he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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