his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
