She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
