I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
