headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Pants are for mortals
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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