If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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