My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I could make wine with my vomit
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
