Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
