like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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