I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
