When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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