Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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