Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
