What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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