Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
