I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
