My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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