the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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