you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
