I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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