i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
