I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
