just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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