Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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