i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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