hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize