It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
