we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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