We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
