i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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