So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize