hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
