I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
