I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
God, I missed his penis.
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