Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
