They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
