I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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