you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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