..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize