I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
