bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
