im about as happy as oj after his trial
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
