My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
