so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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