I wish I could punch you in the face.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
