What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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