Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
