my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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