They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All I want is dick and wine.
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