Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
