I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
