I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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